You know I was at this store when I happened to accidentally stamp the foot of a hot chic. Yeah I know I lost my chances right there - I swear I tried to look cute and said “Solly”! She gave me a blank look and moved away….

Solly! Well thts like the “cute guy’s” version of Sorry, or rather the formal “I apologize” or “Forgive me”.

Allen Solly! - “The apologetic garment makers”

“Oh your shirt lost color? Oh we can’t get give you a refund - We`re Allen Solly abt it Sir!”

Did you ever go to one of those factory outlets which talk things like “You can hardly make out the defects”? What they actually mean is “Hey dude! Under those dim lights of our old warehouse, you wont be able to notice that huge hole in the shirt pocket - u`ll think its a design”

Now do you realise why they have those “No refunds/exchanges” printed in BOLD on the shopping bags they give along?

You know for some reason, a friend of mine named me “Vinter Bear” (My name is Vinit - u get the connection, right?) - “its Vinter with a V”! That was to be my tagline!

Yeah it gets funny with girls, u know. And the worst part of it all, is that guys think from their dicks! So I was like, maybe she really likes me, and finds me cute! I used to imagine myself as a Vinter Bear, a cute little strong bear who had this dreamy snow flakes magically falling everywhere I went…. I later discovered the dandruff flakes when I reached home and checked the mirror…

You know I was talking funny to this friend, and she was like “Have you been watching too much of Russel Peters oflate?”

Oh Cmon gurl! I know I descend from apes, but I dont copy! I`m being myself!!! Afterall, what do u mean by watching “too much of Russel Peters”? He has just 2 videos available on the net! We Indians dont pay to get an Original DVD print! We Indians download it on our snail-connections! It look me 2 whole months to get those 2 videos of Russel Peters!

Talking about copying stuph, you know how its an entirely different concept in the military?

“Sergeant, do you copy?”

“What Sir?”

“Sergeant! I said “DO U COPY?????”

“Y-yy-es-ss Sir…”

“Ok John, chuck him out - we found 2 identical answer sheets!”

“Ok Sarge… now you are grounded!”

You know what’s funny about these military punishments you get to see on TV?

They ask you to lift that heavy rifle and run around the ground in circles - you get those strong forearms, you know….

And then you never end up getting the chics - coz all of them think u are a loser, a wanker who had nothing to do except u know….spank the monkey - that explains your forearms!

You know once I happened to use the term “Spank the rabbit” and a friend of mine immediately corrected me - “Dude! Its called Spank the Monkey, not Rabbit”!

Oh cmon! What’s the difference? Its an animal after all! I always got mixed up with my animals since childhood - i never got them right, though my mom tried a lot. I never understood why I needed to learn them! Animals never get lessons in “Names of Animals” in kindergarten! No one teaches them “Look dear, this is a rabbit - you eat it. This is a cheetah - keep away”

They have their own sense! If they think they can kill it, they will! Why do I have to learn animals in school? I can go to a zoo and check the names on the board outside the cage!

Well there’s one thing I love about animals - they dont distinguish.

“If you can get it, you can eat it” …. well yeah, else you can hump it too!

Yeah talking about humping, animals are pretty cool in their mating philosophy! If u can get the bitch, you can hump her! Well that’s not the same case with humans, u know - you see this chick and u lose it!

Is my hair looking good? Am i smelling nice? Howz my breath? - For animals, its nothing! Even a bald eagle gets to mate!!!

Its times like those, when I feel I could be non-human! Ok i dont mean “in-humane” ok? Thts an entirely different thing…

You know most of us have been inhumane at some time of our life - at work, at home, on the streets…. I remember this gurl standing on the street when a pesky beggar kid came to her. She went like “Go home!” Oh cmon darling! U cant say that to him! That’s his home! He stays on the road! You cant ask a beggar kid on the street to “go HOME”!

You`re the one in the wrong! You are on his property! Trespassing bitch! All he is doing is collecting a toll tax to allow you in his home! I`m warning you - be nice to beggar kids ok? Otherwise….. “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!”